


Some Flowers Aren't Meant To Be Plucked

by julesandothernecessities



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, I cried while writing this, Laurens Being A Best Bro, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self-Loathing Hamilton, They Just Refuse To Say It, You Have Been Warned, they love each other okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 06:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8787607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julesandothernecessities/pseuds/julesandothernecessities
Summary: "Perhaps. Some flowers aren't meant to be plucked, I suppose," John offered. Alexander smiled, though it was sad, and his voice held so much raw potential, "These flowers hold the most alluring aroma, but I can't be selfish to take my time to smell them. It is a shame."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Star-gazing, self-doubting, Alexander not taking risks when he should have.

The stars were unimaginably bright that evening, and if Alexander tried hard enough, he could pretend he was not sitting in the middle of the campground, alone, the ever present possibility of death heavy in the frigid air. 

He had counted his fifth constellation when Laurens appeared. Hamilton let his happiness show as the other man brought himself into sitting position, their legs barely touching as they lounged under the bare, dead tree. Neither brought up the certain fact that their uniforms were being dirtied by the damp earth below. 

His joy bubbling at his friend's sudden arrival, Alexander was grinning from ear to ear as he greeted John. "Dear Mr. Laurens! How are you this evening?"

Laurens returned the smile, though it was softer. "Good evening, Alexander. I am as well as one can be in circumstances such as these, I suppose. And you?"

"Better now that you're here, I must say."

Staring at him in amused supposition, John paused before responding, "There is no need for flattery. You just need someone to keep you warm."

"A lie and a truth," Hamilton remarked. He nudged the other playfully with his shoulder. "I am not one to flatter, John, you know this. You brighten my day significantly, and I find it necessary to make that known." 

"It does show. I have to say I feel very similarly." 

"Is that so?" The darker haired man tilted his head to the side, almost challenging as he regarded the other. "Well, even though I thought it impossible, my day has been brightened even further. It seems you go against all possibility, doesn't it, dear Laurens?"

"Not all, I'm sure. I see you've much to say, as usual."

Hamilton quieted then, and tried to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat. "Indeed. I apologize if I do irk you. I tend to do that to most. To all, actually."

"Not in the slightest, Alexander." John frowned. "You do not bother me."

"Ha, you would be the first, then, Mr. Laurens." Hamilton laughed, but there was no true humor in it. John's frown deepened. 

"Where has your confidence gone? You're adored by quite a few."

Hamilton sniffled, then, and Laurens wondered if it was due to the cold. 

"To be adored by few that do not matter to me holds little value. To be adored by just one who means everything to me, well... That in itself would mean everything," Alexander stated simply. He did not look at John, and the latter was unsettled yet moved by the words. 

Offering a hopeful smile, John tried to meet the other's line of sight as he spoke. "In that case, sir, I am among that group. A very present member."

Hamilton's eyes flashed in his direction, though it was brief. John saw hope in his gaze. 

"You adore me, do you now, John?" Hamilton questioned, voice light. 

John scoffed warmly, patted his friend on the shoulder. "Of course! Why wouldn't I?"

The expression Alexander pulled was exaggeratedly incredulous, and John tried not to laugh. At least it seemed his friend's humor was returning. 

"For one, I do not know when to shut up. Most find that very not admirable," Hamilton stated with a wave of his hand. 

John hummed, leaning slightly against the other man. Hamilton sat a bit straighter but did not move away. 

"Oh, you often say the most wonderful things," John said, and it was truthful. Though it was dark, the moon was shining bright enough for Laurens to detect the pink blush creeping across Alexander's face. 

"If you really think so, then it seems I have achieved everything I could possibly desire."

John beamed, "Have I won your own affections, then?" 

The question was followed by silence. John, immediately filled with worry at his own boldness being perceived inappropriately, went to correct himself, but Alexander spoke first. 

"You won them quite a while ago." His voice was soft, and John blinked. 

He blinked again, somewhat stunned. There was another pause. Alexander visibly fidgeted. 

"I see," was all John said for a minute. 

Hamilton, quick to correct himself just like Laurens had been only a minute before, was hasty when he said, "That was bold for me to say. Forgive me." 

John hushed him, and Alexander froze. He did not fidget any more, and his lips pressed in a thin line. 

Warmth seeped into John's voice, seeking to console his friend. "Bold, but truthful, I hope."

Alexander's head whipped so quickly to his direction that John was amazed that he did not hear a crack. The moon casting shadows on the smaller man's face, Hamilton's eagerness was apparent. 

"Some of the most truthful words to have ever left my mouth. And many words have left my mouth, you are well aware," Alexander murmured rapidly, and John smiled. 

"Oh, yes. Yes, I am aware."

Relaxing at the sound of his friend's voice, Hamilton leaned back against the tree. Their sides were fully touching now, but like the subject of their dirtying uniforms, they did not mention it. 

Hamilton's mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to decide what to say. John watched in puzzlement as the other man struggled to find words. 

"You seem to make me forget how to form words sometimes, my dear Laurens. You often leave me speechless," Alexander finally said. 

John hummed, smug, "Sounds like quite the feat, hm? Would it be considered acceptable to be proud of myself for that?"

"You find pride in the simplest things, John. But, yes, I believe you should be proud of that accomplishment. You are the only person to have made me lose my train of thought," Alexander grinned. 

John didn't hesitate to murmur, "Your smile, I must say, does nearly the same me."

Alexander's grin diminished into something tender. He uselessly picked at the brown grass below, suddenly eager to find himself something to do with his hands other than touch the man next to him. Their silence was companionable, both staring up at the starry sky above. 

"I should take Burr's advice then and smile more. To have such an affect on you would surely be my proudest achievement." Alexander had broken the silence yet again, but John did not mind. 

"You find pride in the simplest things, Alexander," John mimicked the other's words from before. 

Alexander looked to his friend, nervous but certain. "I find pride in many things. But if it has anything to do with you, it is far from simple." There was a beat of a pause, before, "I ardently adore you, John."

Stunned by the words, John did not know how to interpret them. He pondered behind the meaning, but decided against reading too much into it. He had to respond, after all. And he did with a smile. 

"Your own feelings and many more are returned, sir." Hamilton seemed surprised. 

"Are they? That is unexpected, but greatly appreciated." 

Laurens frowned for the second time that evening, and he frowned still as he questioned, "Unexpected? Have I not expressed my emotions well?"

Alexander shook his head. "No, I am prone to doubt. It is not your fault, but my own. You are the sun, Laurens. I am merely a shadow in your presence." 

The corner of John's mouth twitched at that, and he found himself shying away from the other's fierce gaze. 

"If I am the sun, then you are the moon," was all John could say. The open adoration that broke across Alexander's face at that left him breathless. 

"Indeed," Alexander said, a light laugh in his voice, "for the moon would not shine as brightly without the sun. It would be dull and gray, useless without its borrowed light and warmth."

John swallowed, unsure how to respond. Frustrated and flustered by Hamilton's words, the man found his reply, "You know I am not good with words, Alexander." 

"That response will be adequate for the time being." 

Gasping in false outrage, John reached over to sock his friend in the shoulder. Alexander's giggling hitched with pain, but soon John joined in with the laughter. Both men leaned against the tree, then, catching their breaths from their outburst of amusement. In the dark, light eyes found black. 

"The whiplash we'll all experience when you take the world by storm will be far too great," John sighed. 

Hamilton tilted his chin upward as he considered what to say. "Hopefully I will be able to take the world with you by my side, my dear John. I would not have it any other way." 

No matter how wonderful that sounded, John had his doubts. It was too good to be true, and they both knew it. Certainly Alexander knew it. 

"Surely you'll find others to accompany you," Laurens said, trying to keep the bitterness at the thought from creeping into his voice. Alexander simply waved his hand as if the matter did not faze him. 

"Oh, certainly, but they will be minuscule in comparison to you. You are the most meaningful person in my life. Please know that."

They stared at each other, then. It was John's turn to fidget. Alexander's dark eyes bore into him, and John knew it was his imagination tricking him when he thought he saw those eyes dart briefly to his lips. 

"You hold the same role in my own, sir," John breathed, his words barely above a whisper. Hamilton shifted. 

"Then I am satisfied." 

John's throat felt like sandpaper all of the sudden, and he struggled to speak for a moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to speak, and if he managed to, it would be quiet. He didn't want to hear himself, feeling pathetic at the sound of Alexander's sure, low voice. 

"Should you want more another day?" John finally asked, and his voice wavered with the fear at the thought. 

Alexander would grow bored of him, John was certain. It was a depressing, heart shattering thought, but it rang true in his mind. 

Pausing, Hamilton wetted his own lips before answering, "Some day, perhaps. There is much that I want, but I find myself reluctant to act upon it."

John's brow furrowed. Alexander must have interpreted his question incorrectly, but John's curiosity got the best of him. He didn't press further, instead adding onto what the other said. 

"I don't see why. Opportunities come so rarely." And, oh, did John know how rare opportunities were. He saw opportunity in Alexander, and in that saw rarity. 

Alexander shrugged his shoulders, the movement nonchalant, though there was something else in his eyes. "I could take up the opportunity any time I wanted. Surely my own personal gains would be worth the risk, but the side effect to others outweigh my own happiness." 

John tilted his head. What could that possibly mean? When was Hamilton ever selfish? 

"Perhaps. Some flowers aren't meant to be plucked, I suppose," John offered. 

Alexander smiled, though it was sad, and his voice held so much raw potential, "These flowers hold the most alluring aroma, but I can't be selfish to take my time to smell them. It is a shame." 

"Would it truly be selfish of you?" John asked in a hushed tone. 

"I believe so. If I acted upon my own desires, the outcome could be catastrophic to others." Alexander swallowed, voice nearly inaudible as he continued, "To the one who means most to me."

John shifted closer, concern flooding him at the sound of his friend's voice. "How can you be so sure, Alexander?" 

Alexander tried to smile once more, but it still contained such unspoken sorrow. "Again, I am prone to doubt. I would risk it, but... I shouldn't The chances of an unfortunate outcome are too likely."

"You'll need to lessen that side of yourself should you want to get any further in your life." John tried to sound hopeful. 

Humming, Hamilton seemed to consider John's statement. He eyed the other for a minute. "You think I should take the risk, then?"

"I see no reason that you should not."

Hamilton hesitated, staring at John with those dark, hopeful eyes. Laurens felt his heart give a leap, and he waited for the other man to speak. When he did, John felt his heart soar. 

"Alright. I will, then. Some day." 

Hamilton's hand was cold when it grasped John's, but he felt it warm up slightly when they interlaced their fingers. 

\--

Whatever Alexander had to say, whatever risk he wanted to take, never came. Instead, the letter announcing the death of John Laurens came, and Hamilton wept.

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha who else is still crying over founding fathers that have been dead for well over 200 years ??? i know i am :^D
> 
>  
> 
> this is my first hamilton fic. feedback is greatly appreciated !!


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